Motherhood, Marriage and Misery

Ok, so this title came about as I was having a conversation with my husband about the transition that a lot of women go through in their later years after their children have grown and they go on a quest to find themselves again. This time is a real discovery period for many women. They have chosen to be a wife and a mother and it pretty much consumed most of their time, thoughts, and energy. They were delighted in doing it and most had put their own dreams, ambitions, and desires on hold or really hadn’t even known they had made a choice, to create a family. Now a bit freer from the demands of mothering small or even teenage children they head out on a quest to discover what they plan to do with the rest of their lives to make a difference. This period can seem like a pull away from the marriage to many husbands that have gotten used to a dedicated wife and mother who put the family first for many years. If we look a little deeper we will see that a lot of women are re-establishing their identity, self-esteem, and self-worth during this pivotal moment.

Now my husband questioned the order of my statement and I let him know that for many women as soon as they had children unfortunately their marriage wasn’t first, they were responsible for these little beings and they put that above everything else to accomplish this noble agenda. Marriage was not the main top priority and this doesn’t help their marriage during this transition period. In truth, the order is all backward and that is where the misery comes in.

If women are given the opportunity to become secure in themselves before and during marriage and motherhood, then my belief is that you can bypass the misery part.

Now many husbands including my own really struggle through the physical, emotional, social, and spiritual separation that comes when a woman is in the process of self-discovery in middle age or any age for that matter.  It is during this time that she decides that she hates cooking and that she wasn’t hired to be a full-time chef and no longer plans to cater to her husband in this manner. That was my story, and it can almost seem like a full out assault to her husband but in truth, it is her finding herself and reestablishing her boundaries and the rules of engagement in a marriage where it is no longer 10% for herself and 90% for everyone else. Another woman might decide to go back to school or start her own business or travel and this can come as a shock to many husbands that thought they knew the woman they had been living with for all of those years.

If not handled correctly this is where the misery may come in.