Grief what is your name?

Grief slapped me in the face and the hot sting of surprise caused ripples of hurt to surge through my existence.

Then the truth of what was now punched me in the stomach and as I doubled over in pain trying to catch my breath, I closed my eyes and saw what once was close but now is so lost.

Curled up in a slumped fetal position, I cried like a baby trying to understand why my need to understand could not be understood. Death had come.  And I did not want to get back up at all.

The warped tear of a hole in the veil was clearly showing but the denial was oh so much more powerful.

Nice cliches that make us go back to sleep were repeated as an answer to nothing.

They say “oh death where is your sting?” But then why do I feel like 1000 volts of electricity have stung me? and every time the lights go out, I experience it all over again.

Constant electrocution… then I go numb by the shock of the pain as a way to protect my own reality.

My eyes are black and my heart is blue and my words are choked back and my breath is short. Shortness of breath yet I hear the thumping of my heart beating.

Anger is lurking as I think of how unfair this choice that I did not choose, chose me. I was powerless to fight it, so it seemed like it was winning.

I lack the energy to return a punch. So, my gloves are still in the place where I left them.

Please I beg, I will do anything to change this decision. Please reverse the universe and cause time to become mine once again. Give me back what I hold dear, what belonged to me. My arms ache with emptiness as I hug the air.

Prayers were not enough

Faith was not enough

Love was not enough

Time was not enough

It was not enough

I need more, I can not chant this away

 

If this is what miracles look like, then please keep me in mediocrity, in reality, in sanity,  in truth

Don’t try to take this away

You can not make it better

I must feel or else I die

I must question or else I lie

I must wonder or at least I try

I must breathe through the pain I cry

I must… I can’t deny

no more sweet by and bye

oh, grief please leave me now as I close my eyes

 

sweet dreams help me to forget and to remember

yet sadness hovers like a cloud- sorrow

And is suddenly on me, pinning me like a heavy blanket weighted to the ground

I struggle but it only gets worse as helplessness tries to find a home

I feel like someone has wrapped me up tightly- and mummified I can not move.

There must be another name for this …Grief